finally

i'm finally done with my second doc paper that i started eons ago and got rid of the pain in the ass ochem midterm2. now i can come back to blogging. recently i haven't even been surfing people's blog, which is such a sad thing. been busy with other things too. been having fun. but almost lost touch with the world outside ucsd.

(sits in one of the balconies outside sierra summit. there is breeze. eats a spoonful of hot oatmeal with raisins and lotsa cinnamon sugar.) well. i find studying quite fun now. studying is like everything else. when i'm outside of it, i'm tremendously reluctant to start. but once i'm actually studying, i wouldn't mind if it doesn't end. it's just that the latter situation is far too rare. most of the time i remain outside of the condition of studying and complain about me getting bored of studying, which i'm not doing. i'm being confusing here. heck. it's just like a bath. on a normal day with normal temperature and humidity, i have perfect inertia against baths, just because it involves a change in environment, from dry to wet. but once i start it, i won't want to come out.

i've kind of picked the motivation again. (well done! at the end of quarter. roll eyes.) a few things happened that makes me think this way. firstly, i heard about one of my friends' glorious undergrad years. something like w uporking in two labs and coauthoring papers and getting offers from top schools. can't help feeling like crap myself man.. :p Secondly, i didn't get the solo part for requiem. i assume that some voice major in the chamber singers got it. i would know who on the concert night. fine. the feeling of wanting something really badly but not getting it feels so distant to me. i realised that i haven't been competitive for a long while. haven't been competing for anything of such nature. like that SOLO line that in the end only ONE person can sing. scholarships are for many many people. U admission is for many many people, at least the ones i got into. A for courses is for many many people, not to mention that this quarter my school work is all down the drain. i haven't been fighting for the top spot for so many many years. i haven't been fighting at all. and what have i been doing? donno. i'm too comfortable about being mediocre. i'm now feeling the urge to stop this. yeah. a few days earlier you would have found me feeling lousy and defeated, but now i'm all ok again. and motivated.

let's switch gear. a few days ago a friend asked me if i would choose family or career if the two couldn't coexist. it got on my nerves immediately and i made this whole fuss about social stereotype that forces women into this choice but not men. the friend found my argument quite ridiculous and irrelavent, as he was only asking about personal choice that i would make if all social and other constrains were taken away. and then i realised that too. why am i masking my inability to choose with all these sociology crap? my inability to choose. yes. of course i cannot choose. on one side is raising a child and sharing all the time with this little being there. on the other side is the quest for truth and finding fulfilment for being useful to the human kind with my career. both are equally holy. i'm not able to choose. how could anyone choose? sigh. why have humans made ourselves so complicated that the task to perpectuate our species and that to adance it have become so disparate. my life is too short for both. what do you say? people...

and my oatmeal turned cold. :(