Podcasts

Look, the wave of using podcasts as a form of information distribution is kind of spreading from the west towards the east. i searched the podcast directory, currently schools using podcasts to distribute information include the UC's, stanford, caltech, ubc, chicago etc. most of the ivees in the east haven't started utilizing this extremely useful and convenient way of relaying info, considering the vast number of ipod/mp3 owners on college campuses. see, it says something.

Small World

There are quite a few la jolla pple there. it's amazing. take a look.

quote of the day

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
- Anonymous

if only i had a car!

then i could have driven downtown san diego, buy a student rush ticket at copley hall for 10 bucks at 730, and watch joshua bell play respighi in concert at 8. or, i could do the same thing on jan 21st, then i could watch prokofiev's violin concerto no. 1, my fav... :( nothing. for now. go back and study cellular neurobiology.
my life still sucks.

school's been freaking crazy. can't believe that i'm feeling like dying so early in the quarter. actually it's not that early already, there're two mid-terms coming next week. freak!

my philosophy class has become very bashy. curiously, the most active pple in the entire class were two atheists. when the prof is presenting materials for religion, this other guy and me were relentlessly supporting prof's criticism of those theses, and when the prof is criticising materials against religion, we were the most engaged in bashing the prof. the religious rest, did nothing but sitting there and making one or two weak defense against the bashing. i wonder why they didn't passionately defend their belief system just like we do. or is it what i've heard before that they are not supposed to really work on anything but have faith in that god who will make things happen. but i'm utterly disappointed at the fact that the prof only spent less than 10 min on nietzsche's view on religion, and he even spelt his name wrongly. i thought he was an atheist! maybe i really can't tell, and he's just doing a fabulous job in disguising his own religious believes. this other guy in the class, is a very devoted atheist, who repeatedly states his belief system in front of the class. and he openly declared that the masses are stupid this morning. i find it risky a thing to do, because i got strong criticism on that before. nevertheless, this arrogant atheist guy has evidently been exposed to a lot of works on this topic, and makes sensible and well versed comments on almost everything gone through in the class. i wish i could express myself half as accurately.

that aside, it feels good to have a personal voice tutor, who not only knows my name, my major, but also my range, my sound, my preference for music. i feel so important suddenly. (bleagh. i shan't allow my ego to inflate any more.) she sounded really good, at the first lesson, when showing me the pieces that i could choose from. all italian pieces, which according to her, are like spinage for my voice. And she told me, the prof P really liked my voice, and as long as i worked hard and get involved in the projects P would pull me through. (this prof is really good. she could get what she wants out of pple with just a description or two, and the singer sounds instantly different. as if a tranformation.)this suddenly made me feel very guilty. I really don't know how much time or effort i could afford to put into the music department, with all my other commitments. same feeling when my postdoc told me that i shouldn't just look at publishing in a school journal. all is ealier said than done. maybe it's not a good idea to overload yourself from the start. i don't know. it's crap. and i'm tired.

Explanation to "Hey I'm from the other time-space"

The Glass of Raspberry Nestea




The Model

The Stage

And the Picture

HEY I'M FROM THE OTHER TIME-SPACE

i've been wanting to make this fuss for a long time. i've never realised the extent to which biologists are discriminated against as a distinct (lesser) group among the scientists until recent months.. even the lousiest physicist can sneer at any biologist without the least contemplation. how many times have I heard the careless and subconscious comment "blah blah blah....biologists!" as if the name suggests a kind of bad logic that is not even worth discussing. what's the matter with that? i'm reminded of this injustice once again when i read a comment on one of my friends' blogs, by an arrogant PHYSICIST "faint~... biologists." . why? why make the association at all? i think he has got nothing better to say, due to limited thinking capacity and knowledge. from the blog, he is nothing more than a physics student trying hard to become one or those cambridge snobs, who brags endlessly about his own major and school, and who gets excited about the most trivial physics trivia.

my mentor back at imcb has a line. life is a bitch, and then you die.

Man, Help Thyself!

Yes, how can Beethoven not be an atheist! Listen, Man, Help Thyself! and listen to the 5th. not one boring moment, it's overflowing with human vitality, a celebration of human power! just like strauss' tharathustra, his inspiring music opens the new age for human endeavour!

question

just what the world needs. another 3 baroque church pieces in major keys. how am i going to survive this quarter of symphonic chorus! the level of enthusiasm caused by these pieces i see in the fellow chorus members is unbelievable. just unbelievable. considering the 92-93 theist proportion in the american population, this is probably not surprising. which makes me wonder, when strauss' tharathustra was first composed, how did he manage to find an orchestra that was willing to premier this atheist work? (oh by the way, why is this work so often linked to football games???)

went for voice lesson audition. there were 3 guys and 2 dozens girls, all soprani. well, nothing unusual. so i don't get priority cos i'm neither a major nor a minor. let's wait and see. :)

at the price of 1 chipped nail, 1 cut on the thumb, 3 scratches, 1 sore back and 4 paralysed limbs, or maybe it's all of the above times 2, our new apartment currently looks like this:

you see prints of monet's paintings everywhere. you see them on the wall of a home, almost any home; you see them on sale in a school poster fair, or any fair; you see them in people's packed luggage; you see them in dumpsters just as often.

yeah indeed, jade, sch is like the best thing that can happen in the near future. but actually, the rental was not that bad on the hind sight. if not for the flood, i would never have seen a roach, who was taking a leisure walk on my cupboard in the kitchen, suddenly having suicidal intention after taken a glance at the waste water, subsenquently jump into the water and die after a 2 second attempt to swim. he floated the whole night in the oil layer until the plumbers came in the morning. when told of the story, the uncle living downstairs, whose pipe was choked causing this whole incident, told me that roaches don't swim very well so they're bound to die if they ever jump into water. so that was fun.

and i moved to a new place, almost died assembling all that cheapo furniture from ikea...

Bad Day

so there is actually such a thing as bad luck. the lift in the apartment building isn't working. my supervisor thinks i'm ignoring him too much. expt fails. kitchen flooded with water leaking out of the waste pipe. i don't even know why these things happen to me. what the f-.

well. at least i met up with 3 dear friends. and what a lovely evening catching up with them, and laugh at stupid jokes. as usual. and laughed. and laughed. wonder why we don't laugh like that any more..

you never know how much a dinner with an old friend can cheer you up. even if all expts fail. or anything. really. like going back to those days with hesteric laughters at idiotic jokes. ah. so fun man. you think you've been out of touch for a long while, but not really. happie!

the internationale

we learnt that, as part of our communist education. but it's really a worthy goal. how well written, and ahead of its time!
this is a revised english translation by billy bragg. french version


Billy Bragg's Revision(listen)
First stanza

Stand up, all victims of oppression,
For the tyrants fear your might!
Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
For you have nothing if you have no rights!
Let racist ignorance be ended,
For respect makes the empires fall!
Freedom is merely privilege extended,
Unless enjoyed by one and all.
  So come brothers and sisters,
  For the struggle carries on.
  The Internationale,
  Unites the world in song.
  So comrades, come rally,
  For this is the time and place!
  The international ideal,
  Unites the human race.


Second stanza
Let no one build walls to divide us,
Walls of hatred nor walls of stone.
Come greet the dawn and stand beside us,
We'll live together or we'll die alone.
In our world poisoned by exploitation,
Those who have taken, now they must give!
And end the vanity of nations,
We've but one Earth on which to live.
  So come brothers and sisters,
  For the struggle carries on.
  The Internationale,
  Unites the world in song.
  So comrades, come rally,
  For this is the time and place!
  The international ideal,
  Unites the human race.


Third stanza
And so begins the final drama,
In the streets and in the fields.
We stand unbowed before their armour,
We defy their guns and shields!
When we fight, provoked by their aggression,
Let us be inspired by like and love.
For though they offer us concessions,
Change will not come from above!
  So come brothers and sisters,
  For the struggle carries on.
  The Internationale,
  Unites the world in song.
  So comrades, come rally,
  For this is the time and place!
  The international ideal,
  Unites the human race.

schopenhauer on women

read the most ridiculously chauvinistic essay i've ever encountered.
schopenhauer's opinion on everything else is so brilliant and beautiful. but this one. man. although i understand the era he was in when he wrote it. still...

silent syllables

many languages have syllables that are not pronounced. the most obvious one being french (?). what's the significance/uses of a silent syllable? as i understand it, the more combinations there are of a particular set of alphabets, the more meaning the language can express. silent syllables--redundancy--regeneration of language?
pls enlighten me.

what could be more fantastic than a chinese wikipedia?

info organisation

consolidation of information is obviously a new trend of the cyber-space. after all that rise and fall of dot com economy, and the boom of information in the last one or two decade, data is flooding the space uncontrolled. however, the potentially chaotic prospect is actually being cleared up by various effort to consolidate and organising the free data out there. it's same as editing a cannon or an encyclopedia. such efforts include imdb for movie a database, wikipedia for explanation of terms and objects, major ebook sites for ecopies of literature, various biology databases for the organisation and extraction of relevant information such as proteomic and genomic sequences, and faculty of 1000 for the systematic recommendation of biology papers published in the year. with the explosive manner in which information is generated everyday, these consolidations hold much promise for the prospect of a neater and much more user-friendly cyber space for us.

the approach that wikipedia has taken is especially effective. it allows the user to edit and supply information to the pool, making it especially complete and comprehensive. interactive building of sites looks like the way to go!

Dual

went for the concert named DUAL: An American Salute, for which a friend was guest playing. Dual is the Distinguished Universities Alumni League, covering alumni clubs of 17 schools in the US and the UK, which you can guess. (that's about the lamest way of connecting people together, to create extra connections naturally. ) They were the organiser of the concert. the lousiness of the concert is beyond description, and my friend's item, was the only thing worth hearing.

what a typical american thing. it started with grand and bland patriotic pieces such as american salute by Morton Gould, and Lincoln Portrait by Copland (of all the works he wrote!) being amateurs does not give the band excuses for the unpolished, impersonal and sluggish playing despite the conductor's immense effort in mobilising them. bad. bad. best still, they had to play Lincoln Portrait, incorporated in which a narrative about Lincoln and excerpts of his speeches. they got an american man to speak it, who did it with absolutely zero passion. how could they portray such a great soul with so little soul? Only the piano in Rhapsody in Blue brings the concert a little life. he actually plays with a lot of colors and wit and is actually in context. that is what i just discovered. i think he's grown. well, i'm not so much a piano critics, but then i liked it.

and then, there was a light-hearted women's chorus, singing a bunch of songs in major keys with a lot of cheerful phrases repeated and not much color change anyways. they have to put this cute little women's chorus item after the grand masculine pieces, to show that while the men are concerned about big issues, the women are just petit and sweet? (which reminds me of the victorian idle women. surprising how closely contemporary american culture resembles that of the early 20th century england.) can't help but think that the concert is an apt portrait of the conservative side of american cultural landscape. there's no wonder that dual mainly consists of the major old distinguished universities on the east coast of the country.

and above all, of course, this concert is for charity. the kids from the Cannossian School Percussion Band were good though, considering that they are kids with hearing impairment. simple pieces, but almost played to perfection, in contrast with the main band. such spirit with which they played their pieces, and the enthusiastic conductor seemed full of passion and love. i think they won the loudest applause from the bored audience.

say hi

the day before yesterday, i saw a choir junior on the mrt train. i couldn't say hi cos he was sound asleep, totally unaware of anything happening around him. i tried for 5 min and remembered his name. but what's the use, he didn't wake up until the train got to my stop. so i alighted. when i was getting out of the station by the overhead bridge, i saw a chior senior moving down on the escalator. was too fast, i didn't have time to say hi. and yesterday morning, on my way to work with mandarin pop playing to my ears, i caught a glimpse of a girl walking past me. another of my seniors. but that encounter was at the turn of the street. by the time i realised who she was she was already gone. and i walked on. no time.

sometimes, like today, i go shopping just to lose myself in the crowd. just go wandering, get lost in the lights and the shades, the moving and the stationary, the colours and the shapes, the glitters and the shimmers. just walk on. occasionally buy a thing or two. but not having to think about myself, or anyone else. it's not about the things. it's not about me. it's about roaming itself. solitude. i shall always enjoy solitude.

i used to be the opposite. i go to the shop, and buy the thing. finished. and return to where i came from. task-oriented was i. used to be so busy. and didn't like idleness. maybe that time i didn't feel the need to get away. or to get lost. but change came inevitably. part of growing up maybe? part of getting old maybe.

ten years down the road. what would i be? what would you be? i know where i'll be. but i don't know what. what would i be?

Clean

just not so good to watch 3 depressing movies in a single day. get too depressed. Clean is an interesting movie. all too real. no wonder she got the palmes...not for beauty, but for the realness in her acting. i'll write more some other day.

sense and Sensibility

it's so much faster to watch the show than reading the book. i never read S&S, but well, judging from my speed with P&P it wouldn't have taken just a couple of hours. good show. even hugh grant looks poised and charismetic in the movie. i've always liked winslet, and here i discovered two other talented actors. emma thompson who acted as elinor dashwood, and alan rickman who acted as colonel brandon. (oh well, and that half blooded prince.) ooh that voice! and yesterday, engagement reminded me of the super duper ever charming jodie foster. oh how subtly they act! if only i could so accurately express ideas and emotions like they do. interestingly, foster attended yale and thompson was from cambridge, both did english literature. thompson's talent in writing is especially credited when her S&S won the best screen play in both the academy award and the golden globe. and apparently, grant read english at oxford.

i was walking on orchard road, and i thought, singapore is not a cultural desert lah. a lot of my friends say so, but i think, no lah, it's not. it just needs nurturing, which takes a bit of time. but from the people i know, there's hope for singapore. as long as the government doesn't push too hard and cause reverse effect...

To be read in public

Border's is pathetic. there was one copy of Einstein's Ideas & Opinions, which i bought, and a thousand copies of Harry Porter and the Half Blooded Prince, piled up like a wall in the middle of everything.

anyways, after i bought the einstein, i was reminded of a friend telling me that Chupack's (producer of Sex and the City)The Between Boyfriends Book has a tag line on the back cover, saying "To be read in public, so men will know you're available." i was thinking, this einstein book probably is "to be read in public" too, "so men won't care to know if you're available."

read an essay on the jews, he said,

"In any case it is a nationalism whose aim is not power but dignity and health. If we did not have to live among intolerant, narrow-minded, and violent people, I should be the first to throw over all nationalism in favor of universal humanity."

in all such essays, surprisingly there is not excessive bitterness. instead of hatred, it is hope for the well-being of the entire humanity that he speaks of. from this point of view, although both peoples of great sufferings, the jews seem more open-minded and nobler than the chinese. and maybe that's the reason why the jews are so successful even though the trauma they've been through is much dealier than that we have.

but saw a bad review on amazon :see the one on ideas and opinions. you see, einstein's grand brain was fueled by a very small heart. is this a little too mean? or that this reviewer is a attention seeking poser. hm.

which i shall read to find out.

A very very long engagement

After 3 people recommended to me this film, i bought the vcd. always a fan of jean pierre jeunet and audrey toutou, expectation sort of build up when new film comes out and subconsciously avoid seeing it. this is a real tear jerker, and the brutality in some of the scenes was not what i could prepared myself for. one of the films in telling a war story from a female perspective, engagement is not the first one, but a successful one. the strength of the ladies in the story just makes me tremble. beautiful picture. as usual. and audrey is really good! isn't she beautiful!

in the roman languages, to sing is to:
cante (spanish)
chante (french)
canti (italian)
cante (portuguese)
and in chinese, to sing is to
唱(chang)
how fascinating! there must be something about the syllable [a:ng]

my modern world

i've been criticising everything old. and sorry to friends who were offended in any of the critic sessions. :p maybe it was that modern art hist course, maybe it's the music. maybe it's the modern atmostphere in ucsd. or feynman whom i just got to know. (jade's post on feynman). or even maybe Ling Shan (Soul Mountain) that i'm reading right now. whether i like it or not, modernism is here to stay, with me.

it's the state of the mind. in this world, all these parallel storylines. all the relationships. all these struggles against the world and the self. obviously there's not a unified subject in us, or a single narrative that can describe it all. it's meant to be deconstructed, our lives. and it's this life that we are living, why look back and long for that beautiful canonic melodies, or beautiful archy doors, beautiful representational paintings. what for look at those, when life is rarely so straight-forward and beautiful? why do we complain about concrete jungles so much? why not let life be streamlined, cold, concrete, glassy, abstract, simple yet difficult to understand, and taste the flavours of our time. why, must we be so critical of modern art, or modern music, by artists living in our time, and say all too effortlessly, "you call that trash art?"? why not try contemplating how much we have thought about life compared to all these people ahead of their time, our time? why do we have to be such hypocrites who, while entitled to all the conveniences that technology brings, curse and sware about technology? why can't we appreciate the fruits of human intelligence and just be open-minded about the brand new way of living? why can't we accept progress? are humans by nature reminiscencing animals? why not just grow up and accept the fact that we've grown!

new desktop

Acknowledgement: 胡不归画廊 who does beautiful digital paintings. beautiful!
these are my favourites of his portraits. i put them together, in a way that's almost similar to the cover of the colour trilogy bleu rouge blanc. looking in different directions, having different thoughts.

perfect for roaming

i believe pple like us who email, msn, google for info, blog to share info etc are used to the life style in which we freely roam on the world wide web. with any random link, the web carries us a long way in expanding our knowledge because of its radiating structure, ending up somewhere we never expect to be. don't you just like life like this! Wikipedia is perfect for our habits and thirst for knowledge. well, not that other websites do not have such structure, but this one is growing fast and big.. :)

wondering aloud

there's just this lightness and clarity in the stuff i'm listening to. maybe it's french. or maybe it's just poulenc. after listening to russian's stuff so full of drama and dark humour, innitially poulenc's work is so light it seems to me a little flirtatious. (:p) he doesn't seem to do a lot of layering of sounds. (now that i listen to it again, it's not so ture. but still, the general impression is much lighter than his russian contemporaries.) if they were persons, the russian would be a big sailor, witty and heroic, and the french would be a little dancer, slender and elegant. wonder what image chinese music projects, someone like libai, a skinny and lunatic poet? wonder what experience of the country has to do with stylistic composition, the nationalism thing. but one thing for sure, the music sure is consistent with the art and literature in that particular period.

i'm taking my time to digest this album. again it's just poulenc. it took me a long time to notice his works in gens' album. but once i started listening to them, i couldn't stop. my fav: 2 Melodies de Guillaume Apollinaire: I. Montparnasse.

hmm. but the sixteen is nice, except a few places sound a bit straining. the other version of figure humaine i have is by Rundfunkchor Stockholm with Eric Ericson. they are warmer. but not as intimate.

p.s. i think maybe the russians are more like dancers, while the french are like singers.

again. i will be able to catch the renovation in school and miss the renovated part. dammit. UCSD expands it's Price Center

on flight - Birdy!

on the way from SF to tokyo...

IN THE LAB

since i've written it down, i dont' want to type it again.

change

i have decided to change the painting's caption to:





太阳干枯地升起，
于沉睡中惊醒的树，
战栗不已。












and sorry about my low production rate and putting up again. i just really wanted to change the words that go with it.

Hail! Nietzsche!

How much truth can a spirit bear, how much truth can a spirit dare? that became for me more and more the real measure of value. Error (-belief in the ideal-) is not blindness, error is cowardice...Every acquisition, every step forward in knowledge is the result of courage, of severity towards onself, of cleanliness with respect to oneself...I do no refute ideals, I merely draw on gloves in their presence... Nitimur in Vetitum (We strive after the forbidden): in this sign my philosophy will one day conquer, for what has hitherto been forbidden on principle has never been anything but the truth. -

--Nietzsche, Why I am So Wise from Ecce Homo

random

how can anyone believe in religion and science at the same time? how do such people reconcile the conflict between the doctrines of the two? my mentor told me that one tells us why and the other how. but aren't they on different logic and narratives?

and i had no idea a box of small 280ply kimwipes costs over 60 bucks until i stumbled across the price online.

why is consciousness private? why is mine not known to another individual. if so, how is it possible to find a like mind!

Yann Tiersen - Les Jours Tristes Lyrics

some songs only grow on you when you listen to them close to your ears, i.e. listen to them on earphones instead of loud speakers. or you wouldn't have noticed how beautifully written or beautifully sung they are. in this case, this song is beautifully written and sung. thanks to zhu for introducing me to the album a chance of sunshine that contained this song.

Yann Tiersen - Les Jours Tristes mp3(i couldn't find the mp3 with the guy singing. so sorry.)

It's hard, hard not to sit on your hands
And bury your head in the sand
Hard not to make other plans
and claim that you've done all you can all along
And life must go on

It's hard, hard to stand up for what's right
And bring home the bacon each night
Hard not to break down and cry
When every idea that you've tried has been wrong
But you must go on

It's hard but you know it's worth the fight
'cause you know you've got the truth on your side
When the accusations fly, hold tight
Don't be afraid of what they'll say
Who cares what cowards think, anyway
They will understand one day, one day

It's hard, hard when you're here all alone
And everyone else has gone home
Harder to know right from wrong
When all objectivity's gone
And it's gone
But you still carry on

'cause you, you are the only one left
And you've got to clean up this mess
You know you'll end up like the rest
Bitter and twisted, unless
You stay strong and you carry on

It's hard but you know it's worth the fight
'cause you know you've got the truth on your side
When the accusations fly, hold tight
And don't be afraid of what they'll say
Who cares what cowards think, anyway
They will understand one day, one day.

Free Will/ Determinism

i heard from my friend the theory of determinism, but i didn't know it was part of the famous debate over free will/determinism. shame on me not knowing anything about it until i was 21.
a summary of the debate
what do you think? what about randomness? where does real randomness come from? does chaos involve randomness?

An argument

it started with my debate with my housemate with regard to whether biology is fundamentally different from the physical sciences. i essentially believe that the discrimination against biology as an "arsty" science or a lesser science is unjust because biology usese the same data collection and logical deduction process as the rest of the sciences, and also involves great extent of reproducibility. the reason why many people dissmiss the equal scientificity of biology is just that they cannot understand that the difference in extent/degree of complexity does not mean the difference in nature. biology as the investigation of the living system, necessarily studies a more complex object and being a young subject, necessarily has fewer tools to use. the overwhelming information that flux out of experiments all too easily lead people to believe that this science does not run on logic, but tends to be more of a descriptive and arbitary science. e.g. logical processes such as prooving cannot be used. in fact, this should be attributed to our limited understanding of the subject. just step back and look at the bigger picture, since biological systems comprise of physical substances, there should not be any difference between the principles that an organism operates and a clock, apart from that the organism is more complex. and anyway physics and chemistry started as observatory sciences and developed into quantitative and deductive phases that we now see them in. (think alchemy.) so my conclusion is that biology is essentially no difference from the other sciences.

that said, i was myself lead into a new contemplation. how about social sciences? we routinely look at social sciences as fundamentally different from the natural sciences, and, are the "lesser" sciences. but if we follow my logic in the preceeding passage, we would be compelled to acknowledge that they can be real sciences. see, we are talking about material systems such as a human society. with my presumption that there is no God or other supernatural power, our society is no less physical than an e field, all composed of atoms anyway. so when our understanding of the human unit become substancial, there is actually potential for real scientific investigation by the laws of physics on the society, a collection of humans, which are collections of physical atoms.

Ideographic Myth

from the book The Chinese Language, Fact and Fantasy by John DeFrancis. Ideographic Myth
I wouldn't say i agree with the argument, but i think some of it is valuably true. But i still think that the chinese language is to some extent logographic with some phonetic function. the problem is that all these languages have been around for so long and we learn them when we were very very young. so we can no longer differentiate the cognitive process of thinking of the sound and that of thinking of the idea, the two of which prob occur a split second apart from each other. since we cannot separate the processes, we don't have the experimental means to prove whether chinese writing gives us the sound or the idea frist, and thus came the argument. however, i think we should look at the writing on it's own right, i.e. what is the writing itself representing. i think ideas, but in a phonetic pattern, that is necessarily needed in simplification and convenience of usage purpose. it's an evolution over time maybe converging with the phonetic languages, but certainly the logic behind the chinese writing is innately different from that behind the western language.

Dedicated to all the researchers

my mentor was so lame. he said that this following song is dedicated to all the researchers out there.

LINKIN PARK

In The End

[It starts with]
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
One thing I don't know why
Doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so [far]
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
And lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

back for 2 days

ah, i've been back for 2 days. i need to watch a concert.

Random Thoughts on flight

i was writing down as i thought, on the back cover of the De Profundis that i printed out.

Whitacre. He sounds so much like nature itself.
I watch the clouds move by endlessly,
while Cloudburst is playing to my lonely ears.
and let the melody fly,
and the harmony
resonate with the layers of memories.
whiteness outside the window.

lluvia! in all its metallic sounds.
brings life and hope.
and a song like a spring
lluvia.

this music, must be recited by young voices. for its life, for its vibrancy, for its very existence.

a poet's heart
an artist's eyes
a musician's ears.
i don't t have those.

I hide myself within my flower,
That wearing on your breast,
You, unsuspecting, wear me too—
And angels know the rest

I hide myself within my flower,
That, fading from your vase,
You, unsuspecting, feel for me
Almost a loneliness.



i hide myself,
i hide myself...

sketches

i found some sketches i made some time back out of time magazine pictures or my own imagination. looks like i was much better at representataion that time, or i was much more patient.


yeah it's satine. don't scold me for not doing justice to her beauty and character.


actually inspired by turando.

i liked her attitude. what makes the sketch come alive. to me.



yeah, to me, each skech is so precious cos i thought the person in there really has a life. it'll be a cruel thing to tear any of them up. so i didn't. no matter how bad some of my sketches looked. haha.

sad cat story

was thinking of writing something about the cat i met outside my place. when i came home the day before yesterday, a cat brushed against my legs near the entrance to our neighbourhood. it was a stray cat with brown and yellow fur, very thin and limping. the guard told us that she had lost her kittens, and had been looking for them for days around the area. after i reached home, i thought about the cat for hours, feeling really sorry for her and imagining the pain that the mother is going through looking for the lost child. today, my mom went downstairs to send off my aunt who came to visit, and came back telling me news about the cat. when she went passed the area where the mother cat was looking for the kitten, she saw the cat with her ears standing up, apparently alert of something. my mom guessed that she heard the kitten. when my mom came back from the bus-stop, she saw the kitten dead in the road with blood around it. the guard told my mom that shortly before that, the mother cat had found the kitten in bush and dug it out, before a car suddenly appearing and flattened the kitten. shocked and really affected, my mom stood there watching the silent mother cat lick the blood stain on the floor for quite a while. how extremely saddening is that.

Devil's Dictionary

i didn't know that devil's dictionary started so early as in the 19th century and it was actually started in America. not until i browsed through it, among my other ebooks. i've only read the chinese version in humour master(《幽默大师》)when i was much younger.

there's one entry that i saw yesterday:
FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

think it's not completely ridiculous.

stop whining

yeah. so i've decided to stop whining. cos that doesn't help much haha. but thx for the comments, pple. been nice reading them :)

right now i'm reading books. organising my music. carving a stone stamp. buying myself some paints. helping a little with housework. cooking a bit. going around meeting relatives. suzhou hasn't changed much since last year, though the industrial park is getting more and more modern every year. i don't really like it that way, but my mom said that comfort is more important. i'm not sure if that's right. the city is getting more materialistic just every day. not that it's not been one. as a city living off tertiary industries suzhou has always been somewhat materialistic and money centred, but with all the rich around it was kind of a centre for culture too. all is lost. mom said that maybe we'll be better off without the traditions. maybe.

a friend went to egypt. how exciting. i got excited just looking at the photos. she, overjoyed, riding a camel with her arms streching upwards, against the vast desert with thousands of years of sorrows and pride, change and persistence. it's just a cool feeling. like hurling yourself into something big. something sophisticated. something meaningful. as if you yourself would become bigger, more sophisticated and more meaningful. like you can be synchronised to the rhythm of the ancient breath of the egyption people. like you could actually experience the ruthless change of time and space, with the sculpture in front of you, worn and torn by the forces of weathering. like the emotion of the dead would flood into you, out of the objects you see, hot or cold. man. i've got to go. someday.

so what is blocked is not actually blogger,com but blogspot.com. no wonder i can access the edit and post page from china.

yeah. felt the need to blog. i will talk about my super long trip back some other time. but here i am at home, my mom's nagging is killing me. she is naggging all about the bf business. apparently she desires a bf for me more than i myself do. as if she thinks i'm a mechine, that can shun the idea of finding a bf for the first quarter of my life and suddenly find one once she opens the gate. and she's talking about all this crap... like i need to look like a proper girl blah blah..appearance and all. i've always been educated almost the other way around. and i've always thought my mom progressive and cool. her reversion to conservativism is just annoying me.

FREEWAY and stuff.

so after i sent fm to the airport, i headed back. not knowing exactly how to get back though. i've always thought the traffic downtown sd confusing and, well, for someone who doesn't even know her way around the school well, that was indeed a challenge. i came back one piece. that's worth a celebration. my first freeway trip alone, outside school vicinity. it's not easy especially when i've slept 2 hours yesterday, had a final this morning, and didn't eat anything. (by the way, my brain must have been feeding on ketone bodies duringn my DOC final.) when i was approaching home, i thought i picked up the feel of the steering wheel again. i thought i'd love to drive. it took me about 40 mins to pick that momentum up haha. so that's that.

when i was back, my suitemates were gathering DOC books for the bonfire. i know it might been better to recycle them but i gave my readers to them anyways. it felt good. reminds me of the badge i received this morning. "i survived DOC" too bad that the readers didn't survive me. i hadn't eaten a thing since lunch yesterday, so heated up the leftover panda express from that meal, ate half of it and stopped eating again. i'm just worried bout exams, which is really my fault and nobody else's. well. i'll be like this till next week.

called home, my cousin was there. he has just finished the college entrance exam. like any normal candidate, the mildly shocked and very tired kid sounded pitiful. he has always been the nice kid in the family, and people adore him. that such a kid has to go through that kind of exam stress makes me sad. kind of. he just sound completely innocent and exhausted. and worried. more than me. so when i said that i was worried too, he said that oh, does you exam affect you a lifetime? no it doesn't. yes his does.

so were talking about uni choices. he said he liked math. or english. i thought it unnecessary to do a degree in english. it's a tool after all. thought a degree in math would be useful, that he could go into science or finance easily. scientists adore math-savvy kids, i heard. he didn't like engineering. or physics. hated bio and chem.(i'm sure he'll hate biochem more). "maybe georgraphy" he said. out of nowhere. i'm not sure i would like to see him coming out of the university without a job. other than teaching i mean. he was just a little lost among the choices. i know he would be. i once was. maybe less. but i was once lost too.

packing

i'm packing as i type this down. it's been too short. one year. now that the common room has all the crappy photos and posters and horny soft toys removed, it feels so empty. although i've never been very close to my suitemates, it's impossible not to feel a sense of. loss. i guess.
sorting out stuff, sorting out memories. found my slashing ring that britt bought me the start of octobor. it's still has battery. and still flashing. and i showed it and they smiled and exclaimed. yeah. been so long.

and my itune happens to be playing sarah maclachlan's i will remember you.

I will remember you,
will you remember me?
I will remember you,
will you remember me...


goes on and on.

it's strange..how sentimental i feel. i don't know. it's not that i'm leaving the school or sth, it's just the room. the room that i didn't even like much. sigh.

ah such a mess!

i'm done.

me has decided to move my chinese stuff over to Methinks so that my non-Chinese speaking friends do not have to suffer through the periodic "blank" posts

i'm so sick of metablic pathways. !!! i don't want to have anything to do with biochem in the future. damn it.

honestly i think i've wasted paul price's biochem class. he's such good lecturer and puts so much effort into teaching and stuff. now guilt stings me as i screw up the exams just because i'm repelled by biochem. man. why do i have to take it! genetics is much better. maybe there something in the bio logic that i just don't get. i've never gotten it during A-levels (Oh heck the A's i got) and i'm still not getting it. i'm just so damn puzzled why chem and phy seems so understandable and common sensical to me but bio is still just a puddle of muddy water... aren't they all sciences? don't they work by the same logic?

and i also realised that my will to suppress the reluctance to do certain things has dropped dramatically. i procrastinate without feeling much. i am not particularly afraid. just leave it screwed. just leave it! how terrifying.

Books to read

I need to make a list of books i am going to read.
the master (less than half way through. if only i didn't have to study.)
Line of beauty...(i'll borrow it someday)
the astonishing hypothesis
quest for consciousness. (i've been reading it forever. always get lost.)
odessy (recommended by a lab colleague in summer)
oedipus (sounds like a fine tragedy)
and i still have my da vinci code that i think i'll put off for a while...
my reading habits have gone from bad to worse. over the entire summer i started 4 books but only finished 2 and a quarter of them. damn me.

Beautiful morning. and spring is gone

it's a beautiful morning in the early summer, the sunshine so pretty that my heart aches. thinking me have let the precious spring time and half of the summer slip away through the phenyl rings and plasmids like a joyful string of notes, i feel a little pity for myself. others tell us, and as we grew up we tell ourselves, that we let a few springs go so that we can enjoy the other springs even better when we become older and more successful, but think, the precious spring of our lives are slipping away unnoticed just as silently. i'm not sure if i were ready to let it go, but nevertheless it's going.

modernism

both pieces that la jolla symphony played for the concert are very
modern. one commissioned for this seasonal finale, by a professor in
ucsd called Steiger. another one is Schwantner's Concerto for
Percussion & Orchestra, originally commissioned for new york
philharmonic. the perc solo this time is an award winning young artist
called Mathias Reumert, who is studying perc in ucsd. it is such a joy
to watch a percussionist's performance, especially when it is staged
with a theatrical flavour like that in the Schwantner piece. i think
both pieces are brilliant.

i'm just wondering, why is it that i have not heard many choral works
that sound completely modern? most choral music composed in recent
times sound no less coherent and "sane" than those produced before
modernity arose. for example, eric whitacre, copland, robert shaw. but the progressiveness in orchestral and other instrumental works are just going like crazy. the
choral pieces that copland arranges sound so vastly different from his
orchestral works. those choral pieces that show a sign of modernity,
for example some of chen yi's work and others', often omit the words,
or substitute them with nonsensical sounds. could it be that words
themselves demand a certain degree of coherence, and therefore
obstruct the complete deconstruction of music? the idea conveyed in
words has by itself a unity to its meaning, and therefore does not
facilitate the formation of multiple and conflicting narratives? in
other words, post-modernity in music cannot be as easily executed in
choral music, or songs, as in orchestral music. (or is it that singers
simply cannot stand extreme atonality or dissonance? that sounds lame.)

Exhaustion

why is it so hard to keep my interests while trying to be who i want to
be? it is not very easy to stand through a 4-hour rehearsal screaming
like mad right into 11pm in some lousy concert hall that aids hardly
anything in the acoustics. the conductor keep repeating passages. the
flute in front of me gurgling with air. the sop solo singing a note
wrongly repeatedly. the baritone is out of tempo. with the all the decent
lines taken by solo and coro piccolo and even the guys, i was left with nothing but boredom.
nevertheless have to stand there, holding that bloody heavy folder and looking involved in the music that has nothing much to do with me
after a day of classes and lab, i was so exhausted, still visualising
every minute spent in the hall pulls me a little away from the A in
biochem. damn.

HEAVEN AND HELL

Heaven is ...

Where the police are British,
The cooks are Italian,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is ...

Where the police are German,
The cooks are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

some idiot on amazon.com gave hero soundtrack 3 stars, complaining that it is "not involving" and having only 1 or 2 "beautiful tracks", and that it "doesn't live up to crouching tiger". i mean, hello, subtlty.. subtlty.. that movie is not supposed to be beautiful. it's a fricking tragedy. involving. he might as well go and listen to star wars soundtrack or sth.

Mail Signature

heck. i should've known better than to tag my blog address to email signature. the stupid MAIL screwed up and the signature appeared miraculously on the mass-mailer i sent out. after i erased it and changed outgoing mail server. even though i consider my blog very much open to the public, that was just stupid. well, if anyone followed the link in the email and reached here, that wasn't intentional ok?

found this on friend's blog. quite funny
踢球

carmina burana

so today we met the sop solo. lovely voice. even though she look like such a typical sop. well, you get what i mean. very nice crystal-clear tone with a lot of colours. her long note in Amor volat undique was SO beautiful...i'm pretty sure though that she sang a note in In trutina wrongly. strange. another thing, her Dulcissime was so beautifully sung, but when she came back from all the screaming the perc and string came in on a slightly different key. then again the strings suck so much they might have just been wrong. :p

compared to the sop solo, the baritone solo sounded huge and fierce but hollow and weak. he couldn't even penetrate the orchestra. and he was out of tempo, too self-indulging i guess.

kids' chorus is cute.

looking forward to the concert.

新浪读书的热词推荐。国内精神空虚现状可见一斑


小
说 青春　言情　历史　玄幻　
　　　都市　官场　影视　名家
热
词 美女　女大学生　爆笑　
　　　同居　激情　情人　网络　
　　　校园　魔幻　恐怖　侦探　
　　　推理　原创　名家　
　　　悬念　社会　爱情
生
活
时
尚 旅游　美容保健　饮食　
热
词 内衣　瑜珈 理财 高跟鞋　
　　　笑话　减肥　美体　整容　
　　　家居　服饰　时尚　小资　
　　　健康　户外　星座　探险
两
性
热
词 性　外遇　性丑闻　性感　
　　男性　女性　怀孕　避孕

财
经
职
场 管理　营销　理财　投资　
热
词 MBA　广告　经济　市场　
　　　求职　面试　职业规范　
　　　职业生涯　职业设计　
　　　职场政治　女秘书　秘书　
　　　白领　精英

时
政 国内　国外
热
词 时政　商战　军事

励
志
热
词 自我完善　自我调节　
　　　心理素质　成功　修养


教育
热
词 考试　高考　留学　英语　
　　　考研　素质教育　性教育　
　　　教子　哈佛　哈佛女孩　
　　　女生　北大　校花
娱
乐
影
视 影视　明星
热
词 名人　人体艺术　情色　
　　　色情　武侠　音乐　综艺　
　　　动漫　舞蹈　绘画　戏剧　
　　　周杰伦　范冰冰　主持人


人
物
热
词 写真　商业精英　伟人　
　　　作家　体育　学者　偶像　　　
　　　专家　单身女性
人
文
历
史
热
词 学术　文化　人类　国学　
　　　哲学　探索　地理　随笔　
　　　北京　成都　河南人　
　　　上海男人　乡土

think things are becoming clear to me. i like the problems in bio, but not studying bio. that's why i like working in the labs but not the lectures. that's why i've decided to take the minimum number of bio courses i have to take and take as many math/physics/computing courses i can during free time. luckily my major requirement is really not that much. thank goodness.

zt

红拂从杨素府逃出来，机会成本非常高。如果红拂不走，她还将继续是杨素的宠姬，将是杨府歌姬中的领舞人，大把美女在觊觎这两个位置。而李靖，不过是个白相人，拿着一篇《论流体力学在御林军政治思想教育中的运用》的科研论文，想发表在隋帝国的核心刊物上，来找杨素拉关系。那时，每天都有人找杨素走后门、递条子、攀交情，这些人漂在长安，简称“长漂”；这一天，同样请求杨素帮助审阅、发表的论文就有512篇，杨素听秘书一篇一篇题目地读，红拂在旁边都快睡着了。不过，在她睡着之前，轮到了李靖，一个年轻英俊的男孩，而且，有点忧郁质。红拂的眼睛锃锃地亮了。

　　那时，站在杨素身后的美女都是二进制的，有256个，可是只有红拂一个人看上这个灰头灰脑的小子，其他女孩还在杨素的树荫下睡大觉呢。有人又开始杜撰说红拂会看相，看他以后必定位极人臣。这又是扯谈。王小波早告诉大家了，李靖只是一个盲流。但红拂就是好色之人，她就是喜欢英俊的小伙子，这有什么错。要是想要荣华富贵，跟着杨素老头不就得了？杨素没有看上那篇流体力学，李靖灰着脸回家了，更忧郁了。

　　半夜，有人来敲客栈的门了。李靖开门一看，居然是一个20岁的美貌小姑娘。这个小姑娘张口就说：我来私奔啦！

　　红拂告诉李靖三句话。第一句：杨素是个活死人，别指望他；第二句：你要造反；第三句：李渊有戏，跟他跑。还有一句是，达令，带我走吧。唉，遇到一个胸怀大志、深谋远虑、心思缜密、多情又美丽的小美人，还是乖乖听话吧，保准能成为卫国公。不是李靖成就了红拂，而是红拂成就了李靖。

　　红拂另一个大手笔是，拒绝了虬髯客的求爱。其实，如果她不拒绝，她已经成为扶桑国的皇后了，而且，巨有钱。如果她拒绝，搞不好会被身怀异秉的虬髯客打死。但是，红拂转过身，对这个胡子拉碴、满脸横肉的壮汉盈盈一笑，叫了一声：三哥。虬髯客先是骨头都甜酥了，然后就从头顶凉到脚底。这个哥当得真不值。虬髯客倒不把李靖放在眼里，只当两个手指按下去，就把这个身无三两肉的小臭虫啪的一下捏死了，可是，红拂只爱拜伦那样的忧郁小生，哪里看得上虬髯客呀。她拒绝虬髯客的惟一方法是：对虬髯客比对李靖更好，每天不停地“三哥——”“三哥——”地叫，让虬髯客羞愧而逃。喏，唐僧的罗嗦就是得自红拂的真传，唐僧罗嗦得让人自杀，而红拂则罗嗦得让虬髯客把整座江山拱手送给情敌，跑回扶桑打草鞋。

　　史称风尘三侠。

红拂：只爱忧郁小生

红颜：女人千年的荣耀与哀伤 侯虹斌

ZT

皇帝作为一个工作岗位，其实是很不适宜世袭制的。只有极少的皇帝具有管理一国公务的专业水准。有些皇帝，如果不干这行，那么，就是一个杰出的专业人士。比如北齐后主高纬，就是一个优秀的副食品商人，很像七八十年代的劳模“一抓准”，一把瓜子要二两一钱就绝不会只给二两，准头极好。梁武帝是一个了不起的佛学家，口吐莲花宣讲佛经，能滔滔不绝昼夜颠倒地讲七八天；宋徽宗是中国漫漫五千年最出色的画家之一，花卉禽鸟独步天下，还豢养了一大批杰出的画家；李煜更是中国文学史上顶尖的词人，跨过了一千年，他作的花间小调还在众多小姑娘那里琅琅上口，诵之泪流满面，至今被视为忧郁王子⋯⋯我们向癖好致敬，可惜上述这些国宝级艺术家或行家，基本都是政治白痴，搞得国破家亡。

ZT

脏唐乱汉，偏偏冒出来李显这样一个懦弱的皇帝。李显夹在权欲滔天的武则天、韦后、太平公主、上官婉儿、安乐公主之间，被百般戏弄。而她们，全都是他的母亲、妻子、姐妹、情人、女儿，李显的存在简直是男人的一个耻辱。对他来说，活着真是一场恶梦啊。韦后和安乐公主伙同情夫把李显毒死，这个恶梦也结束了。世上最亲最爱的人亲手送他上路。活该，愚蠢和软弱本是人犯下最大的错误，何况一国之君？

　　身为女性法西斯，安乐公主的贪婪无情与疯狂，基本上已不是出于利益的计算，而是豺狼当道了。韦后和安乐公主最后被太平公主和李隆基杀死，我想，临死那一幕一定巨煽情吧？年方二十五，貌美如花的安乐公主捂着胸口的血缓缓地说：“是你们，是你们把我逼得欲壑难填、无情无义的——”然后，挣扎着倒下。

　　命苦不能怨政府，变态不能怪社会啊。

安乐公主：变态不能怪社会

ZT

唐代官吏狎妓，甚至制度化。官吏到职交接班，交割各种档案物资都不足为奇，而且还会交割妓女：前任由于带不走所宠妓女恋恋不舍，引为憾事；后任欣然接受，还感叹没有接收到更好的。

　　白居易是唐代官员中狎妓最有名的。他蓄养很多妓女，从杭州带着妓女回洛阳，又把人家遣送回去，有来有往，不当一回事。还和元稹交换妓女，相互狎玩，让人发腻。

　　为人与为文是不必等同的。看白居易悲天悯人，一副救苦救难大慈大悲的样子，还写下了《上阳宫》、《琵琶行》同情女子的诗，谁晓得走出了诗歌，他也不过是无行文人。你可以去泡妞，也可以让我们背你的《卖炭翁》，但你不能让我们一边背着你的《卖炭翁》一边目送你泡妞吧？

樊素与小蛮：目送无良诗人泡妞
红颜：女人千年的荣耀与哀伤 侯虹斌

ZT

潘必正带着目的，制定好计划，一步一步地来，显然聪明得多。开始是借口谈诗论文，接着奕棋品茗，很快就熟稔了起来。好歹妙常也是佛门中人，好人家女儿，得有足够的智慧才能偷心。关键时刻，怎么可以没有听琴呢？潘必正弹《雉朝飞》挑之，妙常一听就知心意，强作镇定，答之以《广寒游》。——听琴实为听情，与《琴挑》、《西厢记》、《绣襦记》、《倩女离魂》同出一辙，文君相如听琴模式的理性品格是精神先于肉欲，最终以肉欲来完成的灵肉和谐。

---侯虹斌 《红颜》 陈妙常：三角恋也有美满结局

zt

　平阳公主惊人的早慧，体现在她对政治与爱情之间的抗衡有着敏锐的观察和清楚的认知。台湾小说家陈骏青在小说《平阳公主与卫青》中虚拟了一段她与母亲王娡的对话：“娘！我只问您一件事，您是愿意当大汉皇后，还是当父皇的宠妃呢？”

　　这不单纯是一个鱼与熊掌能否兼得的问题，也不仅仅是权力和爱情的选择题。其实放在任何年代都一样：要么就投身到轰轰烈烈大悲大喜的理想追求中去，要么就干脆选择平庸的幸福。选择A有选择A的痛快，选择B有选择B的舒服，只要一头扎下去，求仁得仁何所怨？只怕两边都做不彻底，又要当婊子又要立牌坊，这就不好了。平阳公主比她的母亲王夫人、汉武帝的皇后陈阿娇、卫子夫都要聪明的是，她不贪心。

---侯虹斌 《红颜》 平阳公主：迷失自己等于爱上寂寞

戏说红颜

红颜

龙应台说：（zt）

我在北美博客上看到这个帖子，楼主形容此文为“一篇雄文”，极妥。龙应台毕竟是一根硬笔杆子，好久没看她的东西了，再读还是一样犀利透彻。刊于《中国青年报》，有点意思。


你可能不知道的台湾
――观连宋访大陆有感
2005年05月25日 05:00:00
龙应台

　 编者按：近日，中国国民党主席和台湾亲民党主席分别率团访问大陆。可以肯定，以此为新的契机，海峡两岸人民之间的经济文化交流，将会进一步扩大和深化。交流和了解，相辅相成。两岸隔绝了近60年，台湾人民需要详尽、真切地了解大陆，大陆人民也同样需要这样去了解台湾。为此，我们特约台湾籍作家龙应台撰写专文介绍，供读者参考。

　 《红灯记》在台北

　 2001年大陆的报纸出现这样一则新闻：

　 去瞧瞧《红灯记》里的共产党如何比钢铁还要硬！

　 几经波折，不具国共斗争意识形态的革命样板戏《红灯记》，终于跨越台海，2月8日在国父纪念馆舞台点燃红灯。这出称为“样板中的样板”的现代京剧，有让台湾戏迷仔细体会样板神髓的机会。革命样板戏《红灯记》来台演出过程，不但通关审议一波三折，连剧本到底要不要稍作更改，也是考虑再三。中国京剧院原来已决定更改剧中出现“中国共产党”的文字，当演员们都已经练好了新台词时，院长吴江，又在演出前一天表示，基于多数台湾剧场界人士的建议，还是决定一字不改，原汁原味地呈现样板戏《红灯记》的精髓。

　 在这样的报道后面隐藏着什么样的现实？

　 台湾的政治愈来愈开放，但是开放到连宣传共产党“伟大”的革命样板戏都进来了，还真是令人惊诧；这是两岸关系史上一个不得了的里程碑，不能不去亲看一眼。

　 看戏之前，刚好遇见最高教育主管曾志朗。所有大陆团体来台演出，都得经过教育部长的批准。曾志朗听说我当晚要去看《红灯记》，很高兴地说，“好看啊。不过他们对台湾不太了解，为了‘体贴’我们，把台词都改了，‘共产党’改成‘革命党’三个字，说是不要‘刺激’我们；我就批示，根本不需要，共产党就共产党嘛。什么时代了。”

　 当天晚上，我邀了三个八十岁的长辈一起去看戏：在大陆当过国民党宪兵连长的父亲，浙江淳安县绸缎庄出身的母亲，还有方伯伯，他在十七岁那年跟着蒋介石从奉化溪口走出来，千山万水相随，做了一辈子“老总统”的贴身侍卫。

　 国父纪念馆有三千个座位，不是特别有号召力的表演，一般不敢订这个场地，因为不容易坐满。去之前，我还想，是不是经纪人不懂台湾政治现状？那是“去中国化”在台湾的政治角力中甚嚣尘上的时候。身为台北市文化决策者的我，如果致词时引用了司马迁或韩非子，会被批为“统派”，意思是对台湾“不忠诚”。为国学大师钱穆和林语堂修葺故居时，我被怒骂质问，“钱林两人都是中国人，不是台湾人，不可以用台湾人的钱去修中国人的房子！”在这样的气氛里，来这样一出样板戏？会有几个人来看？

　 红色的地毯，被水晶灯照亮了。人们纷纷入场。时间一到，所有的门被关上。我回头看，三千个位子，全部坐满，一个空位都没有。这是首演。

　 灯暗下，革命样板戏《红灯记》在台北正式演出。

　 没有手机响，也没人交头接耳。台北人很文明、很安静地看京剧演员如何在钢琴的伴奏下旋身甩袖，如何用眼睛的黑白分明表现英雄气概和儿女情长，如何用唱腔歌颂共产党的伟大和个人的牺牲。

　 我偷偷用眼角看身边三个老人家，觉得很奇怪：父亲特别入戏，悲惨时老泪纵横，不断用手帕擦眼角；日本坏蛋鸠山被袭时，他忘情地拍手欢呼。方伯伯一脸凝重，神情黯然。母亲，不鼓掌，不喝彩，环抱双手在胸前，一脸怒容，从头到尾，一言不发。

　 演出结束，掌声响起，很长的掌声，很温暖，很礼貌，然后人群安静地纷纷散去。我们坐在第一排，看着人群从面前流过，七嘴八舌地评戏。一个头特别大的老人家大声说，“告诉你，李登辉就是鸠山！”旁边的人哄然大笑。大头老人家看起来如此面熟，有人在一旁耳语：“他就是专门演毛泽东的名演员。”我赶快看他，果然，多年来在电视上演“万恶的共匪”，就是他，觉得面熟，原来长得像毛主席！一群年轻人走过，谈论着“舞美设计”和“京剧动作”如何如何，就像看完法国的《茶花女》或是英国的《李尔王》一样。

　 父亲好像得到了戏剧的升华，很高兴地说，“日本鬼子太坏了！这个戏演得好！”日本才是敌人，这戏里的英雄好汉是共产党，他浑然不觉得有任何不妥。

　 母亲在一旁坐着，本来就冷淡，一听父亲的热烈“剧评”，真的生气了，冲着他说，“我不知道台湾政府是干什么的，让这种戏也来演是什么意思。它歌颂的是共产党你晓不晓得？共产党杀了我们多少家人你晓不晓得？我是不会忘记的，我哥哥是被他们三反五反杀害的！”

　 然后她带点埋怨地瞅着我，“不晓得你带我来看的是这种戏？”

　 方伯伯看起来心事重重，在我坚持之下，才慢慢地说，“前尘往事，尽涌心头啊⋯⋯1975年，老总统遗体的瞻仰仪式就在这个大厅举行的，二十六年来，我第一次再踏进这个大厅，却是看这《红灯记》⋯⋯他的遗体，就放在台上，李玉和唱‘为革命同献出忠心赤胆，天下事难不倒共产党员’的地方⋯⋯”他说不下去了。

　 小溪潺潺得来不易

　 《红灯记》演出的同时，也是我正接待高行健来台北访问的时候。刚刚得了诺贝尔奖，在国际的追逐战中，他重然诺地首先来了台北，因为我在他得奖的半年前就邀请了他来台北作驻市作家。

　 第一个华人诺贝尔文学奖得主的到来，我担心两种反应：一种是，用民族主义的激情来拥抱他，爱他是“中国人”；第二种是，用政治的意识形态来排斥他，骂他是“中国人”。在这两种反应中，文学本身的价值都会被淹没不见。

　 其后所发生的，出乎我的预料：人们欢迎他，为他觉得荣耀，但是从北到南的讲座中，从“独派”到“统派”的媒体里，很少出现民族主义的激越语言，也很少剑拔弩张的政治解读。人们只是欢喜地聆听他的演讲，热烈地讨论他的作品，同时，因为他所有的作品都在台湾首发，引以为荣。

　 看《红灯记》的平静，接待高行健的自然，发生在同时，使我深深觉察到台湾的质变。

　 不，我们并不一直都是这样的。

　 我们经过五六十年代的肃杀。仓皇渡海的国民党是一个对自己完全失去信心的统治者，对自己没有信心的统治者往往只能以强权治国。风吹草动，“匪谍”无所不在，左派的信仰者固然被整肃，不是信仰者也在杯弓蛇影中被诬陷、被监禁、被枪毙、被剥夺公民人权。“戒严”令在1950年颁布，当初决定跟着国民党撤退到海岛的许多知识精英，作梦也没料到，他们会在“戒严”令下生活三十七年之久。在日本统治下期待回归祖国的台湾人，作梦也没想到，从殖民解脱之后得到的并不是自由和尊严，而是另一种形式的高压统治。

　 好几代人，就在一种统治者所精密编织的价值结构里成长。相信“党”的正确，因此我们不习惯政治见解的分歧。相信国家的崇高，因此我们不允许任何人对“国家”这个概念有不同的认知。相信民族的神圣，因此我们不原谅任何对民族的不敬。相信道德的纯粹和理想的必要，因此我们不容忍任何道德的混沌以及理想的堕落。而共产党，就是这一切我们所相信的东西的反面；它是“邪恶”的、“恐怖”的、“腐败”的、“欺骗”的、“罪不可赦”的。

　 我们所有的叙述都是大叙述：长城伟大，黄河壮丽，国家崇高，民族神圣，领袖英明，知识分子要以苍生祸福为念，匹夫要为国家兴亡负责，个人要为团体牺牲奋斗，现在要为未来委曲求全。

　 大叙述的真实涵意其实是，把我们所有的相信“绝对”化，而价值观一旦“绝对”化，便不允许分歧和偏离。任何分歧和偏离，不仅只被我们认为是不正确的，而且是不道德的。不正确还可以被原谅、被怜悯、被改正，但是对于不道德，我们是愤怒的，义愤填膺的，可以排斥、唾弃，甚至赞成国家以暴力处置，还觉得自己纯洁正义或悲壮。

　 《野火集》在今年要出二十周年纪念版，因此有重读的机会。物换星移，展读旧卷，赫然发现，“野火”里没有一个字一个句，不是在为“个人”呐喊：

　 法制、国家、社会、学校、家庭、荣誉、传统──每一个堂皇的名字后面都是一个极其庞大而权威性极强的规范与制度，严肃地要求个人去接受、遵循。

　 可是，法制、社会、荣誉、传统──之所以存在，难道不是为了那个微不足道但是会流血、会哭泣、会跌倒的“人”吗？

　 同时，没有一个字一个句不是在把责任，从国家和集体的肩膀上卸下来，放在“个人”的肩膀上：

　 不要以为你是大学教授，所以做研究比较重要；不要以为你是杀猪的，所以没有人会听你的话；也不要以为你是个学生，不够资格管社会的事。你今天不生气，不站出来说话，明天你──还有我、还有你我的下一代，就要成为沉默的牺牲者、受害人。

　 同时，没有一个字一个句不是在伟人铜像林立的国度里，试图推翻“大叙述”，建立“小叙述”：

　 如果有了一笔钱，学校会先考虑在校门口铸个伟人铜像，不会为孩子造厕所。究竟是见不得人的厕所重要呢？还是光洁体面的铜像重要？你告诉我。《野火》书出，1985年的台湾为之燃烧，二十一天之内经过二十四次印刷。我像一个不小心打开闸门的人，目睹一股巨流倾泻直下，冲出高筑的大坝，奔向辽阔原野。滚滚洪水一旦离开大坝的围堵，奔向辽阔，首先分岔出万千支流，然后喧嚣奔腾变成小溪潺潺，或者静水流深。

　 《野火》之后，很多人反抗过努力过，游击队似的“党外”演变成正式的反对党，而反对党又惊天动地地蜕变为执政党；《野火》之前，更多人反抗过努力过，从日据时代抵制殖民的赖和、杨逵，到后来拒绝屈服强权的雷震、殷海光、柏杨、李敖、陈映真。是在二十年后的今天，对台湾人的反抗和努力我有了新的体会：就为了打破价值的绝对化，就为了把大叙述打碎，让小叙述出现，看起来这么“小”的目标，我们花了好几代人的光阴。

　 是因为不再相信价值的绝对，是因为无数各自分歧的小叙述取代了统一口径的大叙述，台湾人平和了，他可以自然地接待高行健而不夸张过度，可以平静地欣赏《红灯记》的舞美、唱腔、身段而不激烈。可是他其实并没有忘记过去的日子。

　 如果你问我这一个台湾人，我们用六十年的时间学到了什么，我会说，我们学到：万千支流，小溪潺潺，得来不易。

　 叙述的多版本

　 那天晚上，有三千人去看《红灯记》，也有很多人基于政治的立场，是不愿去、不屑去的。去看了戏的人，有的只在乎戏剧的纯粹美学表现，有的人，譬如我父亲，被民族情感感动得涕泗滂沱。有的人，譬如我母亲，国共内战所撕开的伤口在六十年后都还淌着血。有的人，譬如方伯伯，心里烙着忠奸分明的意识，根本无法接受政治的翻天覆地、时代的黑白颠倒。

　 每个人都有自己版本的小叙述，和其他人不同，但是每个人都知道一个游戏规则：他必须容忍别人的叙述，如果他希望自己的叙述被容忍。

　 最高教育主管在公文上请演员保留原有的戏剧台词，然后签了字。

　 连战访问大陆，人们在桃园机场打了一架。之所以会闹出流血冲突，一方面固然是民意代表无所不用其极地寻找方式出名──政客们早就学到，制造冲突往往是出名的快捷方式。另一方面，台湾人分歧的小叙述在这种关键时刻被凸显出来：民主的时间还很短，很多伤口和痛楚，还没有愈合；很多纠缠的道理，彼此还说不清楚。

　 对于有些人，历史的切身认知是，日本人对台湾的统治比国民党的统治还要文明些。日本总督再怎么霸道，毕竟还受母体社会日本的法治所规范，而当时的日本是一个已经经过明治维新洗礼的现代化国家，溃散到台湾的国民党却正处在一个历史的低谷──从戊戌变法、辛亥革命、军阀割据、五四学潮、抗日战争、国共内战，中国人连坐下来绑紧自己草鞋的机会都还没有。被日本人统治了五十年的台湾人所第一眼看到的“祖国人”，是一个颇为不堪的形象。由于历史的隔阂又对“祖国人”的不堪没有什么历史的理解，没有理解，就没有同情或包容。

　 紧接而来的高压统治，更令所有对“祖国”的期待破灭；1947年的“2·28”流血事件，有些人解释为单纯的“官逼民反”，处处发生，这些台湾人，从自己的幻灭和痛苦经验出发，却宁可认为，这是“中国人”对“台湾人”的压迫。把国民党的问题解释为“中国人”的问题，再将中国人和共产党对等起来，很容易得出一个结论：中国人代表不文明，前现代，野蛮。

　 对于另一些人，日本人的侵略造成千万中国人的家破人亡，是刻骨铭心的集体国族记忆，仇深似海。中国再怎么落后都是自己的国家。国共两党再怎么敌对，都不能和中日间未解的宿仇相比。

　 有一些人，深爱中华传统和文化，写书法，读诗词，研究老庄哲学，但是拒绝与中国这个国家组织认同。

　 另一些人，讨厌中国这个国家组织，因此也想将中华文化一并摒除，拒绝说北京话，拒绝到大陆旅游。

　 有一些人，怀抱极强的民族认同，盼望中国强大，至于用什么方式强大，以什么代价来获得强大，都不在乎。在“大中国”的想像里，台湾只是一个历史的小小脚注。

　 另一些人，根本不把民族或国家看做一个有任何意义的单位。所有关于国家或民族的说词，都是统治者拿来愚民的神话。他惟一在乎的是，哪一种国家组织──殖民也好，托管也好，占领也好，黑人白人日本人，只要可以给他最大的个人自由和公民权利，都是他可以接受的国家管治者，反之就不是。

　 一道长长的光谱，从“深绿”变“浅绿”，从“浅绿”逐渐转“浅蓝”，再化为“深蓝”。“深绿”是那坚持台湾独立大叙述的人，“深蓝”是那拥抱中国统一大叙述的人，在今天的台湾，都是少数；占大多数的，却是中间那一大段不能用颜色来定义，不信任任何“绝对化”的价值观的人。

　 这些台湾人，和世界上任何其他人一样，渴望社会安定，经济稳定，家庭幸福，个人受法律保障。但是因为他曾经经历过殖民和专制统治，所以他对于国家民族等等上纲上线的崇高大叙述往往抱持一种怀疑和窃笑，却极在乎言论和思想的自由，极在乎社会的公平正义以及对弱势的照顾，极在乎国家机器不侵犯他的隐私和人权。

　 这样的台湾人，每天的生活内涵是什么？

　 民主不过是生活方式

　 首先，不管光谱上的哪一边，台湾人从头到尾就不曾觉得自己是中华人民共和国的一部分。受过日本统治的台湾人固然被历史归位为日本国民，1949年渡海到台湾的则是彻底的“民国人”，根深蒂固的自我认识是：中华民国代表正统中国，共产党所建立的国，是一个“名不正、言不顺”的历史“意外”。要到1991年李登辉宣告“动员戡乱时期”终止，台湾算是正式承认了大陆政权是控制大陆的“政治实体”，也就是说，第一次试图把中华人民共和国看做一个“平等”的存在。因为自觉是民国正统，所以台湾人从来不觉得自己要“脱离”中国大陆这个政权，因为他们从来就不曾属于、从来就不曾效忠过那个政权。

　 以军事“大国”姿态来看，“蕞尔小岛”的台湾人这种认知或许是可以被讪笑的，但是若宣称希望了解台湾人，那么台湾人这种深层的历史情感和心理结构，恐怕是任何了解的基础第一课吧。

　 台湾人已经习惯生活在一个民主体制里。民主体制落实在茶米油盐的生活中，是这个意思：

　 他的政府大楼，是开放的，门口没有卫兵检查他的证件。他进出政府大楼，犹如进出一个购物商场。他去办一个手续，申请一个文件，盖几个章，一路上通行无阻。拿了号码就等，不会有人插队。轮到他时，公务员不会给他脸色看或刁难他。办好了事情，他还可以在政府大楼里逛一下书店，喝一杯咖啡。咖啡和点心由智障的青年端来，政府规定每一个机关要聘足某一个比例的身心残障者。坐在中庭喝咖啡时，可能刚好看见市长走过，他可以奔过去，当场要一个签名。

　 如果他在市政府办事等得太久，或者公务员态度不好，四年后，他可能会把选票投给另一个市长候选人。

　 他要出国游玩或进修，是一件极其简单的事，不需要经过政府或机关单位的层层批准，他要出版一本书，没有人要做事先的审查，写作完成后直接进印刷厂，一个月就可以上市。他要找某些信息，网络和书店，图书馆和各级档案室，随他去找。图书馆里的书籍和资料，不需要经过任何特殊关系，都可以借用。政府的每一个单位的年度预算，公开在网上，让他查询。预算中，大至百亿元的工程，小至计算机的台数，都一览无余。如果他坚持，他可以找到民意代表，请民意代表调查某一个机关某一笔钱每一毛钱的流动去向。如果发现钱的使用和预算所列不符合，官员会被处分。

　 他习惯看到官员在离职后三个月内搬离官邸或宿舍，撤去所有的秘书和汽车，取消所有的福利和特支。他习惯看到官员为政策错误而被弹劾或鞠躬下台。他习惯读到报纸言论版对政府的抨击、对领导人的诘问，对违法事件的揭露和追踪。他习惯表达对政治人物的取笑和鄙视。

　 如果他是个大学教师，他习惯于校长和系主任都是教授们选举产生，而不是和“上级长官”有什么特别关系；有特别关系的反而可能落选。他习惯于开会，所有的决策都透过教授会议讨论和辩论而做出。有时候，他甚至厌烦这民主的实践，因为参与公共事务占据太多的时间。

　 他不怕警察，因为有法律保障了他的权利。他敢买房子，因为私有财产受宪法规范。他需要病床，可以不经过贿赂。他发言批评，可以不担心被报复。他的儿女参加考试，落榜了他不怨天尤人，因为他不必怀疑考试的舞弊或不公。捐血或捐钱，他可以捐或不捐，没有人给他配额规定。

　 他按时缴税，税金被拿去救济贫童或孤苦老人，他不反对。他习惯生活在一个财富分配相对平均的社会里；走在街上看不见赤贫的乞丐，也很少看见顶级奢华的轿车。他习惯有很多很多的民间慈善组织，在灾难发生的时候，大批义工出动，大批物资聚集，在政府到来之前，已经在苦痛的现场工作。

　 当然，我绝对可以同时举出一箩筐的例子来证明台湾人“进化”的不完全：他的政客如何操弄民粹，他的政治领袖如何欺骗选民，他的政府官员如何颟顸傲慢，他的民意代表如何粗劣不堪，他的贫富差距如何正在加大中⋯⋯台湾人本来就还在现代化的半路上，走得跌跌撞撞。

　 海峡两岸，哪里是统一和独立的对决？哪里是社会主义和资本主义的相冲？哪里是民族主义和分离主义的矛盾？对大部分的台湾人而言，其实是一个生活方式的选择，极其具体，实实在在，一点不抽象。

　 不仅只是经济而已

　 这个时候，再回头去读连战和宋楚瑜在北京的演讲，两篇文章的深意就如清水中的白石，异常分明。

　 连战是什么？他是芝加哥大学政治学博士，是“西洋政治思想史”、“国际法”和“政治学”的教授。宋楚瑜是什么？他有“国际关系”和“图书信息”的两个硕士学位，又是乔治城大学政治学博士。两个人都有国学的基础，又熟悉西方的政治理论和民主实践，但是在台湾一贯重视教育的环境里，这样的学识精英不计其数，他们不算特殊。而在台湾翻天覆地、竞争激烈的民主实验里，连战被视为厚道有余，能力不足，几近“昏庸”的角色，宋楚瑜则每况愈下，被描述为极为负面的弄权“大内高手”。

　 政治，在民主的机器中，已经是一个无比复杂的计算操作。政治人物的形象包装，利益结盟的输赢估算，选民的结构分析，新闻议题的引爆和“消毒”，消息透露与否以及透露的时机推敲，效果的评估以及损害的控制⋯⋯每一个动作、每一句话、每一个眼光，每一个出现或不出现，每一个“遗憾”或“抗议”，都经过沙盘推演。台湾的民主政治，在华人世界里，可以说已经玩得“炉火纯青”。或者说，玩得过头，技术操作喧宾夺主，深刻的内涵反而被颠覆，使得“大说谎家”容易粉墨上台而理想家出不了头。

　 这两个在台湾玩“输”了的政治人物，放在大陆的政治环境中，品质反而折射出现。两个人都引经据典而不费力，都学通中西而不勉强。面对镜头，都知道如何运用自己的语言，如何传递一种诚恳的眼神和态度。

　 同时，两篇演讲都是细致深思的作品，懂台湾政坛险恶的人，更能体会这两篇文章之不易。

　 连战在北大，就从自由主义谈起。他谈蔡元培“循思想自由的原则，取兼容并包之意”；他谈台湾大学“争自由、为民主、保国家”的校风；他指涉杜威的实用主义，“以渐进、逐步的、改良的方式，来面对所有的社会的、国家的问题”；他提出三民主义和社会主义的分岔，又问，“我们要选择的到底是哪一条路？”

　 他介绍了台湾的经济发展，可是不忘记说，台湾的成就来自于经济发展之后开展出来的“政治民主化的工作”。在祝福大陆的经济成果同时，他紧接着赞美大陆基层的民主选举制度，甚至于具体地提到中国宪法里头对于财产作为基本人权的事实。更明确地，他指出，“整个的政治改革⋯⋯在大陆还有相当的空间来发展。”

　 宋楚瑜的演讲策略，在提出两件事：一是厘清“台湾意识”不等于台独；一是，台湾最重要的成就不在于“富”，而在于“均富”。“蒋经国先生在执政台湾十六年当中，台湾每一个国民所得从482美金增长到5829美金，成长了11倍。但最高的所得的家庭五分之一和最低的五分之一当中的差距维持在4〜5倍以下的水准。”

　 连战会不知道大陆对自由主义的态度吗？他会不清楚目前极其严重的拆迁和土地剥削问题吗？宋楚瑜会不知道在“和平崛起”的后面所隐藏的巨大的贫富不均？

　 显然都明白，而且，都说出来了。这需要勇气，需要智能，也需要承担。连战选择谈自由主义，宋楚瑜选择谈均富，自由民主和均富，恰恰是台湾人最在乎、最重要、最要保护、最不能动摇不能放弃的两个核心价值。

　 如果只谈民族感情和国家富强这样的“大叙述”，而这两个核心“小叙述”不在连宋的演讲稿中，我会觉得，这两人愧对历史。

　 幸好，他们说了。在对的时刻，在对的地方。

Satie

so i'm actually supposed to be reading my doc reader. the novel is not entirely boring, but my suitemates are complaining a lot about it. guess cos it's about chinese i finally get less repelled by it. for once. i'm almost killed by the BORING reader this quarter.
but i started downloading. a big SORRY to the dying classical music industry. well, heck it's dying anyways. but i swear i'll try to buy the cd's soon. i suddenly fell in love with satie. haven't listened to french music for quite a while. all this time been jumping up and down with the wicked dramatic russian tunes. so i think satie's cool. i like the dancing melodies in Gnossiennes, like the kind of music you hear in art films. like, i can imagine the slow mo and lingering eyes and water colorish pictures...and the hidden emotions and clever stories. Gymnopedies are simply too over-performed. the melodies just sound so cliche. k, that remark wasn't fair. shouldn't dissmiss the work cos it's over played. but still... i also like the unexpectedness in Trois airs à fuir very interesting. ok. this is turning into a review. no. brrrrrrrrrrake.

before i leave the topic, satie is reportedly an eccentric person. anyone tell me more? like i've never heard much of him before. k. fine. i go google more myself.

also accidentally, i got flemming's beau soir(debussy). well, how do i put it. it's nice. but her voice just seems too heavy for the part. it's like, a foggy night. might just be beautiful too, but the opaqueness just kind of feels weird. still puzzled why veronique is not famous. :( in my opion she's much better than most of other singers i've heard as far as the melodies are concerned. equally weird. she's supposed to be famous for singing mozart. i don't like mozart anyways. so i don't care.

What Brody gave us to read.

Two Retired Scientists -- Bill and Doug

Vogue

my meal points are finally facing termination. yay so i had panda express today. at the food court in price centre, i ate a 3-entree combo and a cup of soup. good good. :) after dinner i read the latest issue of vogue. it is either that the fashion business has been in rapid degeneration since the last time i read vogue in singapore, or the american taste cmi. well, i'm pretty sure that'll be the last issue of vogue i'll ever buy, at least here. no wonder the subscription rate is only a dollar for one issue. thinking, the only magazine found in francis crick's household was vogue. maybe it was better at that time. maybe it was better in england. maybe he sucked at choosing fashion magazines.

我看是郁闷的。

德州塔木农场新年庆祝

看来要解决个人问题，还是要深入内地，勇于下乡，到最艰苦的地方去。

！！！ 古琴丝弦濒临失传 zt

古琴丝弦濒临失传

六十多年前绝处逢生的古琴丝弦，如今再度徘徊在失传的边缘。
目前全国精于制作古琴丝弦的仅潘国辉一人，而即将退休的他身边尚无传人―――

随着退休之日的临近，潘国辉越来越忧心忡忡，因为目前全国仅他一人精通古琴丝弦制作工艺，而他身边至今没有一个能够承前启后的徒弟。昨天，潘国辉师傅向记者倾诉了萦绕心头的担忧。

古琴乃世界文化中最古老之弹拨乐器，主要由弦与木质共鸣器发音，至今已有四千年之历史。丝弦古琴源远流长，秦汉即有“削梧为琴，绳丝为弦”之说。潘师傅告诉记者，抗战期间，古琴丝弦一度销声匿迹，琴家缦友苦觅不得。在吴景略、庄剑丞等琴家的鼎力相助之下，苏州弦工方裕庭依据琴书上所载传统造弦方法加以研制，才恢复生产古琴丝弦，韵长意深的丝弦古琴得以绝处逢生。其后几十年，方裕庭是全国惟一的古琴弦生产者。1961年潘国辉师从方裕庭，开始制作古琴丝弦。可是，好景不长。十年动乱，古琴丝弦被迫停产，直至1978年重起炉灶。

古琴丝弦可谓命运多舛。现在苏州民族乐器一厂工作的潘国辉，万万没有料到，师傅苦心挖掘、来之非易的丝弦工艺，在历经六十余年的风雨之后，如今到他手里再次面临着失传之险。潘师傅说，他曾打算收徒传艺，但他现在每月收入700多元，这样微薄的薪水能让年轻一代安心学艺吗？而且，古琴丝弦市场低迷。全国仅苏州还在维持生产，而苏州民族乐器一厂惟独他一人能娴熟地精制古琴丝弦。虽然出自潘师傅之手的古琴丝弦名扬海外，但每年销量区区二百来副，利润微薄。

据了解，追慕前人遗韵的海外缦友，大多珍视丝弦古琴，因为钢弦古琴会衍生出金属噪音，且金属之声过重，余音太长，难以彰显古琴“清丽而静、和润而远”之原味原韵。然而，大陆操钢弦琴者居多，相当部分年轻琴友不谙丝弦弹琴。为此，苏州科技学院吴声琴学研究所最近联合北京、南京等地的琴友，向潘师傅定制了二百副丝弦，意欲在琴界推广丝弦古琴，为古琴丝弦寻觅生机，但终究势单力薄。

代代相传的丝弦古琴难道真的要弦断音绝了吗？潘师傅一脸忧愁地对记者说，听说古琴正在申报世界文化遗产，倘若古琴丝弦工艺失传，钢弦古琴能代表源远流长的中华琴学吗？！（董亮）

苏州日报 2003年6月30日

if you do not follow the rules

so there's a freezer in the lab that you dispose all the dead mice in. there is a sign on the freezer stating the rules of using that disposal site. the consequence of not following the rules is, according to the sign, "you will be added to next week's fly food."

scientists are really the most miserable pple in the world. they are stressed and frustrated most of the time. i used to imagine scientists to be well-mannered cultured intellectual indiividuals. so, the manner part is really not exatly correct. so in the lab you hear f*** all the time, everywhere. i even heard a scientist talking in the most frustrated tone "so the potential f***-ups will be blah blah blah, we need to do blah blah to prevent f***ing up blah blah. it's f***ing driving me mad" yeah. and the students decribe every failures as f***-ups. i'm getting used to it. i'm getting used to it.

k. so i've decided to make the fuss today.
yeah, so yesterday, i went for the asian culture night on campus. so food and stuff blah blah. half way through, there was a fashion show, showing off all the national costumes naturally. after my friend looking very cute in her sia uniform and a couple of korean kids, came an eurasian looking girl in a bright red "qipao" who claimed that she was from taiwan. (wth). ok, that aside, her slits on the sides of the qipao were up to the hips, and she was trying to do some dance moves with her matching folding-fan. obviously failed to seduce anyone, esp when compared with the real seductive pakistan girl later. well. i find her pathetic. she's wearing a chinese costume (well that's not even chinese, but some babarian manchurian costume) trying to do what chinese are really not good at doing. and while she tried so hard to present a culturally chinese image she had to distinguish herself as a taiwanese. (well if she wanted so badly to be distinctive taiwanese, why didn't she wear some native taiwanese gaoshan costume?? that's inferior, obviouly, in their eyes) yeah fine. and then there were flocks of japnese wearing all sorts of weird things. my uneasiness at the show was probably pretty obvious, cos many friends asked if i was ok. i wasn't unhappy cos i didn't see a mainland chinese up there. such things like showing off and selling ourselves out is really not in our blood. man. how cheap. look at the japanese who were so proud of their so-called contemporary japanese teen outlook, which is really just a lot of random combi and bad taste. i admire how confident they look in that crap. that might be what draws them close to the western world. also, hard-selling their "culture" has always been their specialty anyways. back to the chinese thing, if the westerners think they know what chinese are like from that kind of frivilous performance, such as that by the TW girl, let it be. but they are wrong. it's just pathetic. both the entertainer and the entertained.
oh don't tell me to just enjoy such things without any political preoccupation. can't do it.

absolute horror. my mom got herself a blog. a BLOG. my MOM. well. my dear mother catches up with technologies faster than most pple her age. i can't even decide if that is fortunate or unfortunate of me. but still. wow...

Copley Hall

went downtown for rehearsal. and i've got to say, wow. Copley Hall is pretty. a little too victorian for my liking but, pretty. and it's a very small cozy hall, with the audience hugging the stage that creates very intimate acoustics. the whole thing is in a warm orange tint which i like too. so everything went pretty pro. the solo violin is fantastic. the pianist is such a "finger spinner" (uh-hm a real one. :p ) the conductor moved so much i thought he was going to fall off the stage. well, it's jazz, but still... looking forward to concert. the sop beside me keeps saying that we need to do the screamississimo tastefully hah.

VITAS

I'll say this gay-looking boy is pretty cute. sorry if my coverage seems outdated haha.

and you've got to hear him. reminds me of farinelli. countertenor. anyone has any idea if he's more of a countertenor or boy sop? he's 24...

lamp

the MQ

this is the funniest publication i've seen on campus. much better than the koala which i consciously avoid most of the time. so read the latest issue on radiating sun god and such..
The MQ
It's hard to imagine it's funded by the school..

philip glass

Buy it... if you relax to atmospheric classical music led by piano and strings, harmonious by nature, but without clearly defined themes.

Avoid it... if you prefer scores with more sharply defined cue changes and thematic swells, or if you never plan on sampling any of Glass' work.

this is what i read at some website, as recommends for the soundtrack of the film The Hours. well, i do agree to the "avoid it" part, but the "Buy it" it part is very misleading. well, i don't think philip glass' music can be considered classical music, especially this one. it just doesn't have drum beats. but that's not important. the thing is, i can never relax to philip glass' music. his has too much tension for that purpose. even though he's a minimalist and all, piano and string only whatever and he has no distinctive melody most of the time... his music is superior at mood painting. think about the mood in The Hours. it's nothing but disturbing conflict, tension, agony and struggle. how could you. how could you relax to such music?

such websites... well. i don't really see the point of writing such recommends at all.

一只大强

强人人体素描

某人的画
看他的画，想起小时候一笔一笔认真画静物时的情景。色调，明暗，形，线，虚实处理，都是那么小心。看这些画，我如梦初醒：不知从何时起，我学会了漠视学院派的训练，忘记了细心钻研光与影关系，然后耐心的调色，诚实地用笔纪录的感觉。（还记得刘寅教我，颜色不要调得太熟，稍微调调就上去，才有味道。可是要小心调，一下调准。刘寅其实不错。）后来我只一味地涂抹，一味地抽象，以为自己很现代，很潇洒，而学院派的很过时，陈腐，放不开。误区，都是误区。荒唐啊。

mmm叫它作大漠

构图有点问题，太满了。没办法了。看来还得再画一张。

gene names

so apparently there's this contest for funny genes going on in my genetic class. my prof was primarily inspired by two woman scientists in ucsf who mapped the genes on the Y chromosome. apart from the real gene "testis determining factor TDF" the rest are made up. such as:

Channel Flipping - FLP
Air Guitar - RIF
Ability to identify aircraft - DC-10
Total lack of recall for dates - OOPS
Selective hearing loss - HUH?

and the whole list with locus mapping is HERE

choir choir

choir choir. i just heard the recording of VE XV (i think. the roman numbers are really a fuss to remember.), as many of my old friends have pointed out, they sounded SO good. I wouldn't say that was impeccable, but their music had so much meaning in it. well i've not heard the glorious batch's performance, but since i went into rj, it finally has a near perfect choir. yes they are truly giving the music its soul, because they put so much of their own into the making. they sound so mature, their executions so subtle, not like an average high school choir. i trust my friends when they say that the choir sounded better in the competition and i really regret not being able to be there when they compete. whatever gross outcome of the competition is not important, even though it did shock me and totally disgusted me, the choir should've done well and should be proud of their excellence. and i am sure the conductor is far too professional to be affected by such minor disturbance. he knows perfectly well how good the choir is and his faith in the choir is enough for the choir to grow and blossom. it's only not very fair on my juniors to make them feel bad despite all the effort and achievement. sigh. like what one of my juniors said, we should just boycott syf. not a bad idea at all.

i can't quite figure out what liszt tries to say in his sonatas. sometimes they just appear to me as plain beautiful. i don't understand him at all.

长安乱

看韩寒《长安乱》，半天不知他要讲什么。显然，韩寒已进入高纯度狂扯境界。该书显示的韩寒痞子化简单化的倾向，是不是avand garde 的必然趋势呢？